I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
