You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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