Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
