The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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