4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
