You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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