The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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