that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
