During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
