All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
