Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
