69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
