They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
last night I used snow as a chaser
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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