Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
