Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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