Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
