I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
