he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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