I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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