Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
