i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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