I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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