9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
