Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
