Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
