Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
