My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
