Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
