Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
