If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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