When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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