there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
