My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
