I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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