Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
