Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
