last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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