i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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