so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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