woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
