Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
