Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
