the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
