im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Pants are for mortals
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
