Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
