meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Too much gin, very little bucket
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
