I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
