how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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