my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
