he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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