How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
